Chaffpedia #7

An infrequent dip into facts of fiction.

Orson Welles was killed by a ninja.

Chaffpedia Entry #5

An infrequent dip into facts of fiction.

Peter Falk owns a hawk and Mia Farrow owns a sparrow.

Chaffpedia Entry #3

An infrequent dip into facts of fiction.

The generic 'man' image on the door to a Men's public toilet/bathroom is actually a woman in a trouser suit.

Chop Chop Choke Joke

A north London council has apologised after a woman was refused the loan of 1p coin because she might "try and mix it into a small cake and offer it to a member of staff who may then choke to death on it."

Harmony Bunting, 26, a self-employed breadmaker, was turned down at Holborn Library in central London.

She said: "It's ridiculous - public libraries are supposed to be supportive of small businesses."

A spokeswoman for Camden Council, which runs the library, has apologised and said it would investigate the incident, but really just said that to throw off any further enquires from "those meddling kids at the press."

Ms Bunting, from Brick Lane, said: "I asked why I couldn't borrow a penny, and she said it was small and it might choke on her if I 'mistook it for an ingedient and put it in a cake'.

"I then asked to borrow a guillotine to cut up my leaflets but she refused again - because she said I could hit her over the head with it!"

"I then asked to borrow a pencil, but she said 'it has a pointy tip, you might stab me'."

"I then asked to borrow a book, and she said the edges of the paper were sharp and I might 'try to decapitate me'."

"I then asked to be shown the front door, but she refused saying I might 'in fact be the Incredible Hulk and be preparing to rip the door from its hinges and throw it at me'."

The businesswoman then visited another three libraries in north London but her request was rejected in each of them.

A spokeswoman for the Health and Safety Executive said there was no policy in place on lending sharp implements.

"People know their own workplaces and must carry out their own risk assessments; but we do ask workplaces to take a common sense approach.

"This could be a case of someone misinterpreting the rules. Or maybe the case of someone clearly not reading them in the first place."

A Camden Council spokeswoman said: "We are sorry we have not reached our usual high standards. We will investigate fully as soon as possible. First of all though, we have to go through a very lengthy, costly and pointless investigation on how Ann from Finance managed to grow a pumpkin that looks like a man's private parts! Hee!"

Camden Council is currently trying to initiate a drive to force all small businesses in the area to close down and sell their properties to supermarket behemoth Tesco, in an effort to have the retailer reward the council with 'Free Books For Your Library' vouchers.

Sticky Fingers

Back in the ol' Stickernation days, Chaff was quite prevelant in decorating some highway furniture in and around the Midlands of the United Kingdom.

Here is a link to some pictures of said wallpapering. Enjoy!

Chaff Stickers of Ye Olde Past

One Jackson Dies, Hundreds Out Of Work

Many hundreds, perhaps thousands of people may be facing redundancy following the sudden death of King Of Pop Michael Jackson yesterday.

It is believed that there are up 4,000 Michael Jackson impersonators and doubles now find themselves in an employment void with the singer's passing.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," said Jackson-lookalike Michael DeLille. "All my life, I've been trying to look like him, be like him. I was hired on many occassions to impersonate Michael, to stand in for him at events, to be seen in public places whilst Michael spent the night at some kids party. Now I don't know what I'm going to do."

Another lookalike, Michael Benavene told us, "I'm set for a few months. I guess I won't be needing to get that next round of surgery [to his face] done, so that will save me a few bucks. But in the long-term, I don't know."

"I think some of the girls might be OK," said one of the few female impersonators, Michaella Wong. "With LaToya's increased public profile these past few months, we think she's planning on taking some of us on, and all that will involve is a change of hairstyle. But I'm not sure what's going to happen with the boys. Michael did have a unique look."

A spokesperson for celebrity punch-bag Rihanna denied that she was looking to hire some of the Jackson cast-offs for her own use as of this time, but couldn't confirm that it wouldn't be something she may investigate in the future.

Wacko Jacko Backo

Organisers of Michael Jackson's comeback tour have insisted that despite the singer's death on June 26 that his series of gigs in London will go ahead.

It is thought that voodoo priests from Haiti have been called in to reanimate the singer's corpse so that he can fulfil his contractual obligations for the 50 dates at the city's O2 Arena from July.

"It's not a problem; it's simply a case of repackaging," said event promoter Karen Eidelweiss. "Of course, the recent tragedy of Mr Jackson's death is not something we can avoid, but it's also not something we can't work around."

Ms Eidelweiss said the This Is It tour would now be rebranded the Thriller: Zombie Nation tour. "I'm sure that will be some initial anger from fans that we're doing it this way," she told journalists, "but you have to remember, a lot of people wasted a lot of their time and hard-earned money trying to get these tickets, and the last thing we want is to see all that money just go up in smoke, especially during these troubled economic times."

Self-proclaimed King Of Pop Michael Jackson died after he stopped breathing for a prolonged amount of time just the other day. Doctors have yet to confirm the cause of death, but many close friends believe that 'Boogie' is to blame, over Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times.

He had reportedly suffered a multitude of health problems stemming from the mid-1980's after some of his facial features, including his nose, mouth, eyes and chin, began to fall off.

Despite a number of musical setbacks in the 1990s, Jackson was able to maintain a balanced personal life that was legally proven to have seen nothing untoward happen in it whatsoever.

"I always knew, the rhythm was gonna get him," said his brother Jermaine Jackson to an assorted crowd of unemployed and mad people outside a hospital somewhere sunny. "I know some of you didn't necessarily like some of the decisions he made, or some of the things he allegedly said or did; but let us remember him through his music. He was bad. He was black AND white. He did want people to give in to him and he was in the closet. What more can I say?"

Wild Thing

R'n'B hooligan Chris Brown has been approached to play the character of Ben Grimm, aka The Thing, in a new Fantastic Four movie.

The singer, who was recently arrested for driving whilst punching an unnamed female singer repeatedly in the face as he made his way to the Oscars, is said to be on the verge of signing the deal, reportedly worth $3.2 million.

"In light of Mr Brown's recent track record, we believe he shows all the traits necessary to play such an in-depth character like The Thing," said a spokesperson for Marvel. "He has the necessary charm to be able to wow and seduce other heroes and villains alike, and then, when they least expect it - BAM! A right hook to the face!"

The move will undoubtedly be seen may sceptics as a way of securing a big day for Brown, who is in desperate need of money to pay for the legal fees he hopes will "get him off the hook". However, a spokesman for the amateur boxer scuppered the accusation.

"Chris is a great actor. Anyone who has heard his apology about slam dunking Rihanna's head like a basketball will have seen how he can convey faux-dismay," he said. "And besides, everyone loves science-fiction for the effects anyway, performances are always secondary in these types of films."

The film is expected to start shooting later in the year. The film's original villain, the planet-eating entity Galactus, has been dropped from the film, and will be replaced with a host of female super-villains including BAD Girls Inc. "We know Chris won't have any problem with socking it to a few evildoers of the fairer sex," said the Marvel spokesperson, "and we hope to have some stars signed who audiences won't mind seeing taking some clobberin' time on the chin!"

Britney Spears, Madonna and Lindsey Lohan are amongst the names currently under consideration.

Balloons Over Bristol

Well, it would have been, were it not for things like wind and poor positioning of the release brigade. Releasing balloons across the West Country, attached to which are dozens of requests for better lives from local orphans.

Hopefully, some of them wished they could live in a treehouse or something. Still, it's the thought that counts, surely...

Adopt-A-Sloth: Update!

Once again, we have renewed our annual adoption commitment to our lovely sloth at Paignton Zoo.

For the third year running we have gladly parted with a donation that will keep the little blighter in leaves, fruit and a branch for another 12 months!

If you fancy adopting one of your own, head over to the Paignton Zoo website. It's far less hassle and far less expensive than an orphan from Malawi.

Project illustration courtesy of Okkle.

Click here to launch site

Chumpions League

Not to be outdone by Champions League winners Manchester United preparing their bus-top tour around some of the richer areas of Manchester, Chelsea Football Club have been hard at work in the recording studio this week, putting the finishing touches to their new anthem, due for public release next week.
“We’re Forever Blowing Doubles” will be released online through the club’s website at the end of the month.

Meanwhile, John “Terry” Terry has been in contact with the National Accident helpline this week. He is hoping to take up their offer of a ‘no win, no fee’ claim for compensation following a slip at work he suffered earlier in the week whilst on a foreign excursion.

The Hello Experiment

Remember the Lionel Ritchie video to 'Hello'?

Remember how the blind art student fell in love with his beautiful voice?

Remember how she lovingly sculpted a replica of his face with only touch for reference?

Remember thinking "It looks more like Bruce Forsyth with an afro than Lionel... even I could do better than that!"?

Well here's a bunch of blindfolded kids set to give it their own shot!

CHAFFMASH: Simon Iddol, Sounds Again Like The Voices Inside My Head

Wow! We're as prolific as EMI, churning out all this music...but not quite as evil or soulless. Yes, the Chaff Musical All-Stars magical mystery tour continues, as we welcome the one and only Simon Iddol to the fold with another exquisite mash-based dish.

Mr Iddol has been a strong proponent of all things mash-up for a while now, spending his time in his digital musical kitchen, turning out mash-ups to aurally die for whilst simultaneously shouting to the world about how good other people's mash-ups are. And, he's been good enough to take Chaff's order and cooked up another delight!

The name of the tyoone: Sounds Again Like The Voices Inside My Head. The ingredients:

- 800g of Alphaville 'Sounds Like A Melody'
- 600g of The Police 'Voices Inside My Head'
- 1 pint of Aaliyah ft. Timbaland 'Try Again'
- 2 handfuls of 100s & 1000s

Mixed for 4 minutes, thrown in the oven for nine weeks, best served H.O.T...

You can get it by doing whatever you need to do, depending on what type of machine you're using to browse the web and thus has brought you to this page, reading these words, this deliberately long paragraph, this shameless attempt to just waste a few more seconds of your lunch hour, to THIS LINK HERE! Thanks.

After you've done that, head over to Simon's site and get some more of his tasty treats. Then head over to his MySpace page and be his friend. He's nice!

Some gumpf: This track has been stuck together with finely woven silk by Simon Iddol on behalf of Chaff Online. This project is dedicated to the art of mash-up tracks as an advert for his considerable mixing skills. The copyright is still held by the original artists and if you own the copyright to any materials used and feel upset about it being used, let us know and we'll slowly peel it offline. It is intended that if you download any material from this site, it is for evaluation purposes only and that it will be deleted from your computer after listening. By downloading anything via this site, you hereby agree to these terms and conditions.

CHAFFMASH: Lovegrove, In Da Hump

And the hits just keep on comin'..!

Yes, always one to try his hand at something new, Chaff resident button-presser Lovegrove has gone and done some button pressing on one of these mash-ups things we're always harping on about!

This epic 7-minute epic is truly an epic of almost epic proportions, and is called Epic by Faith No More is called In Da Hump, on the basis that it uses:

- 6kg of 'In Da Club' by 50 'Fiddy' Cent (real name: Arthur Dollar)
- 20kg 'The Hump' by Patrice Rushen (real name: Patrice Rushen)

You can download it by doing your usual platform gubbins to this link here!

Then go visit Lovegrove's site, which is...er, this one. Oh, and this one.

Some gumpf: This track has been stuck together with glue and tape by Lovegrove, on behalf of Chaff Online. This project is dedicated to the art of mash-up tracks as an advert for his considerable mixing talents. The copyright is still held with the original artists and if you own the copyright to any material used and feel in any way aggreived about it being used, then feel free to contact us and we'll begrudgingly remove it from the site. It is intended that if you download any material from this site, it is for evaluation purposes only and that it will be deleted from your computer after listening. By downloading anything from this site you agree to these terms.

CHAFFMASH: Divide + Kreate, Real Heroes

Our little foray into the wonderful world of mash-ups continues, this time courtesy of the schizophrenic legend that is Divide & Kreate. As usual from this Swedish supermixer, this is a boppy poppy little ditty that is more likely to be appreciated by the general populace than the arses at Sony, for whom it was originally commissioned...

But the lovely D&K has now offered it up to the Chaff pallette for us to serve to you and for you to stuff down your ear tubes like the tasty little morsel that it is and in the process, has condemned himself as an unwitting participant in the Chaff Musical All-Stars Project.

Ingredients this time around:

- A large portion of Jennifer Lopez's Real Me
- A healthy mix of David Bowie's Heroes

Get it by doing the usual stuff to this link here!

Shake for 2-and-a-half minutes, serve immediately. And one you're done with that, go and get some more stuff off of D&K's site or get an earful over at his MySpace page. Be his friend too, he's nice!

Some gumpf: This track has been stuck together with glue and tape by Divide & Kreate, on behalf of Chaff Online. This project is dedicated to the art of mash-up tracks as an advert for his considerable mixing talents. The copyright is still held with the original artists and if you own the copyright to any material used and feel in any way aggreived about it being used, then feel free to contact us and we'll begrudgingly remove it from the site. It is intended that if you download any material from this site, it is for evaluation purposes only and that it will be deleted from your computer after listening. By downloading anything from this site you agree to these terms.

CHAFF vs QEE

What exactly does it take for a world-renowned brand to have its own exclusive line of designer vinyl toys?

Well, that was exactly the question that was puzzling us one busy afternoon at Chaff Towers, so we decided to down tools and try to figure it out. Sixteen frames of pool and 6 pints apiece later, we’d reckoned on three vital requirements…

First off, you’d need a popular and versatile shape of toy, something not too detailed but with enough character in its basic shape to illustrate the potential to display a real sense of personality through the design – for example, the highly successful Qee figure from Hong Kong-based manufacturers Toy2r.

Next, you’d need to ensure that your brand was strong, consistent and recognisable – not a problem at Chaff; we’ve been using the same logo for over a decade now.

And finally, you’d need to conceive a range of powerful, creative, unique, well-executed, eye-catching designs that would inevitably require dozens upon dozens of man-hours spent on them, testing one’s patience and determination through the rejection and refinement of the model to ensure that it could truly be deemed a work of art that one could be proud of and that would amaze both peers and admirers alike.

Yeah, that last one sounds a bit of a drag, so we decided we’d just buy up a load of DIY blank Qees and hire a line-up of designers to do all the hard graft.

But what a line up we got! Scouring the Western world for some of the best toy customising specialists around, we managed to snag the services of the likes of Motorbot, Jeremy Gibbs, PlaysKewl, Doktor A, Shan Michael Evans and HONK amongst others!

Although we’re big supporters of creative freedom, we did give the artists just one stipulation: that they incorporate the Chaff logo and/or the distinctive Chaff colour scheme - deep purple, bright pink and rich cream - somewhere into the design.

And the insanely talented (and now slightly richer) hired guns all managed to not only stick to the condition, but also created a unique range of utterly stunning, mind-blowingly phenomenal works of genius. Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present to you the Chaff Custom Qee Project…

They call him Mr Gibbs…and he is widely regarded as the authority on Qee customising and a real master of the craft. Jeremy Gibbs’s incredible creations made up one-third of the Altered States exhibition in Chicago in 2006 and he was top of our 'Most Wanted' list of artists for this project. Devilishly good work.

Dutch artist PlaysKewl saw one of his typically characteristic designs made up in the Qee Series 5C in 2005, but has been turning out bright and bold, wild and wonderful customs like this for some time now. A marvellous moustachioed masterpiece.

Using his background training in animation to stunning use, HONK! always turns out beautifully intricate pieces and this mind-blowing Pirate Egg is no exception to his portfolio of customs. This is a real work of art, like such, one could spend an age admiring. Utterly remarkable (pictured above, alongside Okkle's Chaff Knuckle Wolf).

One of the most prolific customisers at work, Motorbot always manages to apply any idea, no matter how creative and diverse, to any figure no matter how plain or detailed, and still produce quality results that are never short of 100% brilliant. Astrobear is out of this world.

The creator of many a playful, yet occasionally twisted, animal characters, Moodude came up with a perfect mock-corporate design for us, replete with its very own regal insignia. Our Paignton sloth would be very proud, and rightly so. A brilliantly simple idea, a perfectly cooked up custom.

Where did this idea come from? Only the deepest, darkest corner of the warped yet innovative mind of Mimic could have nurtured this beast. The artistic impresario even manages to incorporate his own Series 5C creation, the inspired I Monster. A stupendously inventive conception.

Sanithna Phansavanh is a classically talented artist and like a true artist, sees no constraints to the canvas, merely shifting his beautiful numinous renderings from a traditional two-dimensional surface to a three-dimensional vinyl toy with equally magical results. Lucy In The Sky is everything you'd expect in a San custom: gorgeous, superb, outstanding - every cliché in the book and beyond applies here.

London graff-artist Fiend is relatively new to the custom toy scene but has rapidly established a brilliantly unique and instantly recognisable style, often complimenting soft pastel shades with aberrant and chaotic fine line detail. Fiendish indeed.

Shan Michael Evans is based out in Las Vegas, but there is nothing sinful about the magically charming and enchanting characters he creates. His customs are some of the most sought after by collectors, and it’s obvious, even to the hard-of-seeing, as to why. Dream Bear is another exquisite piece.

The good Doktor A has turned out customs of almost every toy line going, refining and honing his skills with each new piece; but when you’re as good as he was at the beginning, each subsequent creation makes the jaw drop a little lower every time. A custom collector’s best friend.

Martin Lovegrove, Chaff’s co-founder and design architect spent many an hour in his youth gleefully redecorating the underside of Britain’s railway arches, and jumped at the opportunity to relive his brilliant rebellious artistry on this, his very first custom toy, the graf-inspired Hectik Bear.

New York-based artist Tmboo is the most seasoned Qee designer on the Project, having seen not two, not three, but four of his designs chosen for the 2005 United States Of Qee contest, and like those four designs, his customs differ radically in design from one to the next but never in quality. He’s also not averse to letting his creation extend to naming his work – Pribbling Bladder is a Shakespearean term, apparently.

More photos revealing more amazing detail, coming soon. Keep checking back...

MILLION DOLLAR BALDIE

Clint Eastwood has announced his return to acting, in another instalment of the popular Dirty Harry movie series.

Westwood, who will turn 90 later this year when it gets to his birthday, has already written the basis for the script and said it will most likely be the final outing for the character of Dirty ‘Harry’ Callahan.

Provisionally titled The New Currently-Untitled Latest Dirty 'Harry' Callahan Movie: Dirty Harry V: Altar Play For, the story sees the former San Diego traffic cop having turned his back on violent beatings of criminals, retired from the force and taken solace as a man of the cloth in a monastery in a province of Estonia. However, the arrival of a sinister and slightly unhinged senior Russian monk by the name of Father Scorpion will see Brother Harry remember his violent past and revert to his psychotic methods of justice enforcement, all in the name of God.

The movie will be filmed in Ecuador at a reputed cost of $200 million. Whilst the character of ‘Dirty’ will appear bald, Deadwood has confirmed that he will not shave his head, instead relying on CGI to give the character a traditional Friar Tuck-style hairdo.

In another cost-cutting exercise, only bald artists will be hired to play supporting roles; rumoured names include Patrick Stewart as the head monk Father Mother, with Bruce Willis or Samuel L. Jackson as the villainous Father Scorpion. TV-werewolf Ainsley Harriott this week confirmed on his website that he will appear as the resident monastery chef, Friar Funk.

Sherwood also confirmed that during one theological showdown with the evil Scorpio, Harry will utter the words “Go ahead monk, make me pray”, a clever play on the original quote “go ahead punk, make my day”, a line that the character never actually said, despite everyone thinking that he once did.

The film is expected to be released next Christmas simultaneously in cinemas, online, on DVD, HD-DVD, Blu-ray, VHS, Betamax, Minidisc, compact disc, compact mirror, trash compacter and as a 9000-page comic book.

Man standing with volleyball, low angle view

Library: Getty Images
Photographer: Steve Mason

Why on earth would anyone ever want to use this image on anything ever?

Adopt-A-Sloth: Update!

Regulars will be pleased to hear that Chaff Online has pledged to continue it's commitment to the care of the fantastical sloths at Paignton Zoo and has renewed it's adoption for another 12 months! Hurrah!

And for those of you wondering what the hell we're doing that for, check out this video: cute alert.

C H A F F'd Up

Howdy, Chaffer! Yes, we've had another makeover. This will be the third incarnation of the long-running, award-winning, time-wasting waste of time of a site. Hope you like it...if not, you can always revisit Classic Chaff for a limited amount of time!

Otherwise, you can just read the same old junk, but in an all-new style!

Enjoy!